Donald Trump Schlong

Donald Trump - The art of the schlong.

Recently, Donald Trump introduced a term into the vernacular of the average citizen that was previously only familiar to dwellers of New York and other cities with Jewish populations.

When referring to Hillary Clinton’s loss to Barack Obama in 2008, he noted that she had been “schlonged.” Schlong, as we now know, is a Yiddish term for a man’s penis. Schlonged is an expression that describes being hit hard or beaten badly by something or someone, which is what Trump was referring to. Trump would be something of an expert on being schlonged, over the years it appears that he has been schlonged, and schlonged back at his schlongers quite a bit.

Photo Gage Skidmore

In 1983, Trump bought into the fledgling United States Football League as owner of the New Jersey Generals. After his first year, Trump decided to sell out and concentrate on his real estate dealings and schlonged Houston oil man J. Walter Duncan when he sold him the franchise. The following year, Duncan re-schlonged Trump by selling the Generals back to him. Trump then convinced his fellow owners to file a billion-dollar lawsuit and schlong the NFL for anti-trust violations. Although they won the lawsuit, they were schlonged by the jury when they were awarded only $3. Trump’s lawsuit cause the league to fold which schlonged all of his fellow owners. Having schlonged Duncan when he sold him the team, Trump could have won on the schlongs had he stopped there. Unfortunately, he was schlonged three more times when he bought the team back, filed the lawsuit and finally when the leagued went belly up. Score: Trump out-schlonged 3 – 2.

Trump then decided to try his hand at the airline business in 1988, when he borrowed nearly $380 million to purchase a shuttle service from Eastern Airlines. Trump envisioned a luxury service, however passengers schlonged him by not buying into his vision and the airline never showed a profit. Two years later he schlonged his creditors by defaulting on his loans. The banks schlonged Trump back by taking over the airline and selling it. Score: Trump lost again 2 Schlongs – 1.

The water was no kinder to Trump that the skies. Trump must have felt that he got away with another schlong when he purchased a yacht which he named the Trump Princess from the Sultan of Brunei for $29 million. The ship had originally been built for a reported $100 million. Unfortunately, three years later Trump was again schlonged by his creditors when he was forced to sell the boat and take a $10 million schlonging. Score: tie.

Trumps biggest schlongings occurred when he decided to invest in the gaming business in Atlantic City. He loves to tell the story of how he schlonged Holiday Inn into investing in his first casino by hiring a construction company to come down to the site and move piles of dirt around, creating an illusion of a busting, active construction site. Holiday Inn bought the schlong - hook, line and sinker and signed the deal. Over the next twenty five years, Trump’s casino companies would be forced to file bankruptcies 4 times, each time schlonging his creditors. Trump was finally schlonged back during his last bankruptcy when he was forced to resign from his position Chief Schlong and Operating Officer. Score: Trump wins 5 Schlongs- 1.

On a person level, Trump schlonged his first wife Ivana when she discovered that he was giving his schlong to an attractive young actress named Marla Maples. Ivana counter-schlonged him by divorcing him and receiving a generous settlement. Maples then schlonged Trump by presenting him with an unexpected pregnancy and compound-schlonged him by forcing him to marry her. He then schlonged her back by divorcing her. Unfortunately for Maples, Trump had reportedly pre-schlonged her by having her sign a prenuptial agreement. Score 3 – 3, tie-breaker: Trump for giving Maples his schlong.

Since becoming a candidate for the Republican nomination for President, Trump has routinely and aggressively schlonged his opponents at every opportunity. Former candidates Lindsay Graham and Rick Perry attempted to schlong Trump after Trump schlonged Senator and former POW John McCain for being unheroic. Trumped then schlonged Graham by giving out his personal cell phone number, and schlonged Perry by describing him as unintelligent. When Trump schlonged Carly Fiorina by saying that she wasn’t attractive enough to get elected, she attempted to schlong him back but only ended up committing schlongicide when her response met with tepid applause. He has also schlonged Jeb Bush for being “dumb as a rock”, he schlonged Rubio - a “clown”, Ted Cruz - “a maniac” and schlonged Governor Chris Christi by calling him “a child”. Score: Trump wins, no contest.

It’s no wonder his opponents are reticent to respond to Mr. Trump, one thing that has become perfectly clear to all of them is that Trump is not only the best schlonger in the field, he is also the biggest schlong in the field. We can only hope that he doesn’t ascend to the White House where the rest of us have previously been schlonged by another Dick.